Who Am I Now?

 

The key word there is practice.  There has been a major lack of joy in my life in the past several months.  I have correctly attributed this to the apathy that is a not so visible symptom of Parkinson's Disease (PD).  The tremors I have are quite visible, as are the sometimes-slow movement and frequent stumbles.  The symptoms that trouble me the most are less apparent.

• Thinking, responding and speaking more slowly.  Just as tremors make hands unsure and clumsy, the changes in my brain result in a clumsiness with words and a lack of confidence.  I always felt one of my skills was thinking fast on my feet and coming up with just the right word.  Now, not so much.
• Emotional balance, mood stability, calm demeanor or whatever you call it...I have always had it.  I have been slow to anger.  It took a lot to make me angry; it was a slow burn and usually meant tears.  Now, not so much. 
• Apathy, I have throughout my life had many varied interests and loved throwing myself into a project or craft and doing a deep dive down a rabbit hole to learn as much as I can.  The last few years that excitement and extreme interest have been missing in action.  I thought the decrease in manual dexterity and slowed cognition were at the core of this absence.  Now, not so much.

I was wrong.  Yes, everything is harder with PD.  But apathy is an actual symptom.  These not so visible symptoms have really impacted my sense of self.  After six decades, I don't recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror.  I also don't like her very much.

. The American Parkinson Disease Association (APDA) states:

“We are not really used to talking about Parkinson’s as an agent of personality change because we focus on the disease as a movement disorder … But both [dementia and executive dysfunction] manifest as a fundamental change in who the person is … However, there is no question that the brain is changing because of PD. Because a substantial part of our personality relies on our brain function, it is not a stretch of logic to ask if a changing brain produces a changing personality.”

So, on this happy note, where do I go from here?  I have work to do.  Accepting the changes while trying to use support and structure to mitigate the changes.

I will attend a Parkinson's support group. I was hesitant to do this as I have strong medical, family and friend support.  As much as my husband loves me, he just doesn't get it.  Nor should he, it is impossible to describe the experience of Parkinson's hi-jacking my brain.  

I will lean into all the things that make me feel like me.  Re-join my weaving guild, attend weekly quilt group, continue volunteering on Saturday for H3, read more books and spend time with my family, friends and of course talking to my ducks.

This has been a wordy, Parkinson's Disease focused post.  If you have read this far bless you!  In the future, posts will more centered on knitting, spinning and weaving. To be useful as a journal, honest notes along the way are crucial.   Be well.