Denial as a Form of Grace

I wrote this on September 9, 2024, and published it on another blog.  I am including it here as a way to bridge what was and what is. 

I had an epiphany yesterday.  That may seem an overstatement, but I think it fits.  I woke up Saturday morning and felt completely changed.  Let me explain.  I have been in a funk for a few months.  Not morose or even unhappy just not excited about any of the things that normally get my motor humming.  Workshops, retreats, quilt or fiber festivals or new projects.  I wondered if this lack of enthusiasm was a side effect of medications taken for tremors or maybe the antidepressant, I have taken for thirty years no longer is sufficient.  It is neither of these things.  It is grief.

Saturday morning's aha moment was realizing I had never really acknowledged, accepted and grieved the losses related to the things I could not do easily and without thought.  Eating, drinking, getting dressed, cooking (no knives please), writing, opening packages, handling coins and checking out in a store, typing my pin or making a phone call.  I have focused on my crafting, what is no longer enjoyable and what remains, never the day-to-day impacts on daily living.

I have spent so much time, money and energy in the last few months exploring, buying, starting and abandoning projects in knitting, spinning, and sewing.  Convinced it was just a matter of finding the right "thing" to spark my interest.  My hyper focus on how my tremors impacted my hobbies was pervasive.  So much so, that during my last neurology appointment when the doctor asked how things were going, I complained about difficulty weaving and quilting.  He said, "what about eating and writing?"  I said, "oh yeah that is hard too."

Probably, the lowest moment was several weeks ago when dear hubs got a deep cut on his finger and came inside to clean it up.  I realized despite being a registered nurse for thirty years I was unable to bandage his finger.

Saturday, I made a list of twenty-five things I do each day that are more difficult due to tremors.  Some have to be done, putting in my hearing aids, getting dressed and eating.  Other things are not required and maybe eliminated, earrings I am looking at you.  Mascara you are a goner.  I need to stop denying I need help when it is offered and realize that my abilities have changed, and it is okay.  I also need to realize the impact this has had on my desire to jump into new situations, take classes and attend retreats.  Even going out to eat with people I don't know well gives me pause.  These hands have changed.

 Wow, nine years since I updated this blog.  Alot of water and life under that bridge!  About two weeks ago, I became frustrated by simple hand stitching, somehow an activity that involves multiple needlesticks, blood, Band-Aids and copious amounts of bad language does not spell fun and relaxation.  In desperation for some handcrafting relief, I picked up my knitting.

I stopped seriously knitting in 2017.  My time was spent spinning, weaving, dyeing wool and falling in love with tapestry weaving.  I loved all of it!  Especially the friends I made, travels to fiber festivals, learning new skills and off course the beautiful fibers and fiber animals.

Alas, life involves change.  Essential tremors and then a diagnosis of Parkinson's disease last November required some thoughtful changes in my hand crafting routine.  When weaving became a chore, I moved into quilting then embroidery and slow stitch.  Cognitive changes made following even simple cutting and sewing instructions a challenge and those tiny needles were sharp and impossible to thread.

It was at this point; I dug out the knitting needles and dk sock yarn.  It was a fumble and stumble for the first few tries but then something changed.  My hands remembered and I relaxed into the comfort that sock knitting used to provide. Other than a disastrous sock attempt in 2023, I hadn't knitted socks or anything else since 2017.

I know it is just a pair of socks, some simple knitting but it means the world to me.  To find comfort and joy working with my hands again is an immeasurable blessing!

There is no bowl....

Saturday, Tapestry Weavers South met at the Yadkin Valley Fiber Room.  This is a wonderful venue for all things fiber.

Leslie Fesperman has created something really special here, with looms, fiber, yarn and more.  We did some Kool-Aid dyeing in the backroom.

The Yadkin Valley Art Center hosted the TWS exhibit.  It was such a pleasure to see the exhibit again with many of the weavers available to talk about their work.

Laurie O'Neill

Labyrinth at Healing Grounds

Linda Weghorst

Ghana Mama

April Price

Detail of Maniessier's Port de Nord

Leslie Fesperman

Alice

Barbara Gilmore

My Blue Bowl

I asked Barbara about this piece which was one of my favorites.  Specifically I asked about the bowl that inspired the tapestry and what it looked like.  She laughed and explained there was no bowl.

A group shot of the weavers of Tapestry Weavers South behind Holly's wonderful three dimensional tapestry blocks.

We also had show and tell.

It was a great meeting and I left inspired to get to work.

Taking My Craft Inventory

Last year at a guild meeting one of our members described herself as a "dabbler".  This was immediately met with groans and urging not to use that word.  I am not sure why that is a term of derision but it has been an apt description of me as a crafter.

I started early and have tried a little bit of everything.  I don't know why it is surprising that my crafting habits and tastes change.  My taste in clothes and my hairstyles have certainly evolved.  It is a saving grace that there are no pictures of the disastrous perm of 1981.

I want to direct my focus and pare down my craft stuff.  It isn't productive for me to hang on to all the someday ideas and someday supplies.

Here is what I love..

Cleaning and processing fiber and interacting with fiber animals
Tapestry weaving
Knitting socks
Reading about knitting, spinning and weaving
Spending time with fiber friends

Here is what I enjoy....
Seamless, raglan sweaters knit in the round

Dyeing, especially with natural materials
Rug hooking
Knitting "easy" lace
Making batts

Here is what I want to love but don't...
Floor loom weaving
Sewing
Knitalongs or any competitive or deadline crafting

Have Wheel will Travel

The downside of traveling for work is not having my evenings to indulge in my favorite fiber pastimes.  This time I brought my wheel along to Raleigh and I am so glad I did!  Today was a not so fun Monday, travel, all day meetings, rain etc...

After spinning for one hour, I feel so much better.

Sunday I flicked open some more Romney locks, weighed and measured out some nylon and alpaca.

I carded a small batt that is 72% Romney, 20 % alpaca and 8% nylon.  I am hoping this will spin into a perfect three ply sock yarn.

So far it is spinning beautifully!  Happy dance, I might be a drum carding blending genius! I am pretty sure I am the only guest spinning at the Comfort Suites.

Apple Hill Farm Shearing Day

Our guild was invited to demonstrate fiber arts at Apple Hill Farm during their annual shearing.  So Gail, Vivian, Nora and I headed up to Banner Elk.  A gorgeous day and such a beautiful place.

This is the view from the second floor of the barn.  We set up with spindles, spinning wheels and a loom.  We also demonstrated using hand cards as well as a drum carder.

Of course we showed off our knitting prowess.

Gail is smiling but could be dangerous with these giant knitting needles.

I fell in love with Basil, we had a long heart to heart. 

Baby Goats wanted head scratches.

Another shot of Basil, so handsome.

This fellow ruled the roost.

This is Mr. Pickles, I asked him about the skateboard but he didn't feel like talking.

Preparing to shear this alpaca.

Frosty the alpaca after his haircut.

Nora and Vivian spinning away.

It was a super day, the farm is beautiful and Lee and staff are so warm and friendly.  I can't wait to go back!

Little Booboos and Big Lessons

I am working on a small tapestry sampler, loosely following the Joanne Mattera's book Navajo Techniques for Today's Weaver.  This was published in 1975 and has really good diagrams and explanations.  I have actually attempted this twice before.

There were some issues with the color.  I bought some single ply naturally dyed churro. I  thought it would be perfect but the colors were too muted.  Blah.

I tried again with some random yarns from an estate sale of a talented tapestry weaver.  Maybe a little of Martha's magic would be present.

Much better contrast as evidenced by the black and white photo below.  This is a tip learned from Tommye Scanlon.  During the class in Raleigh she had us use our phones to take pictures of yarn we were choosing for tapestry.

Very basic design concepts like value, contrast and hue are not easily understood by me.  This visual helps.

I played with meet and separate, slits, shading, wedge weave and lazy lines.  But wait...

Do you see it?  As I built the areas up separately for eccentric weft I lost track of my "overs and unders".  The two adjacent warp threads in the aqua and purple are going through the same shed.

No worries this is a play learning warp and I am going to keep playing and learning.